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bio : Dean

Dean Simmons

Dean's "Journey" begins as just a city boy, born and razed in South Detroit. Growing up as a pale thin boy with glasses in Detroit developed Dean's tactical skills and ability to tolerate pain. Really, a little bit of pain never hurt anyone. Dean survived by one simple rule, "Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes."

Dean developed his identity in the confusing world of the suburbs. "You're unique, just like everyone else", he always says. He always speaks his mind, "A closed mouth gathers no feet", he told me.

As a young man, Dean's family took the midnight train going anywhere to the suburbs. Talk about a stop payment on your reality check! Jealous because his dad finished 5th grade a year before he did, Dean focused on his studies. It was here that Dean wrote his now unfamous minimalist poem:


An average student, Dean's natural talent for restating the obvious in a calm way began to settle in. "I am neither for nor against apathy", he is known to say. Remember that half the people you know are below average.

In college, Dean developed his theory of physical attraction where he discovered the universal law that female bodies in flux are attracted by rock band members and repelled by anything resembling Star Trek. This lead to the now famous equation: IM =2U2 . "All generalizations are false" and "Beauty is in the eyes of the beerholder", he later determined.

After a first tanning shop job without a raise at Ray's rays, where he collected payment for free gifts, Dean toiled in soiled toilets in the department of the redundancy department where he sent pairs of 10 cent pared pear scents. He later worked as a aviation investigator. "The plane was too close to the ground when it crashed", he determined.

Dean first played accordion in the classical reggae polka punk metal trio, "Bach in Black Face" . Their first album, "Mozart was a punk ass bitch", was not very good, because it was bad. Their late 80s follow up album, "Songs from the Big Hair", was also panned by the press for excessive use of Aqua Net in its production. "Playing leapfrog with a unicorn" was the bands last, and final, album, a follow up album is planned.

A married man now, Dean says he met his wife in an unusual way. "She was stark naked, except for her stockings and hat, with shoes and dress and sweater and underwear and gloves and parka and earmuffs and raincoat and umbrella." He has 2.2 children and flosses regularly.

Now madly addicted to FIRST robotics, Dean has learned everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler. "Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot", he has said, "Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity"

Remember, he who laughs last thinks slowest! Don't stop believing that, hold on to that feeling.

(Who the heck are streetlight people anyway??)